August 30 of every year, National Grief Awareness Day is a reminder of a fact that nearly every adult understands: The process of grief, following a loss, is very real and is often very lonely.
As friends or family members, we want to help those in pain following their loss, so we extend offers: “Please call me if you need anything,” “I brought you dinner,” “Hey, why don’t you go out with us tonight?” All offers are well-intended and originate from a kind and concerned heart. We want to support and encourage our grieving peers. We want them to know we care. One problem is that often, in a short amount of time, life gets busy, we move forward, and the offers and “check-ins” fade. We don’t mean to neglect or forget our friend’s feelings, but it happens, and it often happens because there are many misconceptions related to grieving. Grief is one of the most difficult situations in which to actually empathize with another person.
For instance, let’s say one person’s mother may have died last year and their friend’s mother died last week. It would be easy for the first friend to assume that, “I know how you feel. I have been through it, and you will be ok.” Grief is different for everyone, and one of the first things we might consider when trying to comfort a grieving friend is not trying to relate our pain or understanding, but rather encouraging them to talk about their loved one. “Oh, tell me stories about her. What were some favorite activities that the two of you shared? Can you tell me about what she valued most and what you admired most about her?” As a therapist, I almost always have no knowledge of the deceased, so these questions come easily as we try to encourage the person to share their feelings while paying tribute to their loved one. They know each and every session, I will begin by asking them an open-ended question encouraging the sharing of the impact this person had on their life. Don’t hesitate to ask your grieving friend to share or talk about how they are doing. They may get sad and tearful, and just maybe that feels awkward in some situations, but it is healthy, it demonstrates caring, and encourages healing. I heard a person say one time that the most important part of a grave marker is the Dash. He explained how what happened between the date of birth and the date of death was everything. He was right, and a great way to encourage our friends in their grief is to encourage them to share the Dash.
I have heard how many people feel grief is associated only with the loss of a loved one. While the pain of the loss of a family member or close friend is truly great, there are other types of loss that lead to grieving. Let’s briefly look at a few for the purpose of increasing our sensitivity and compassion for those who are not experiencing “traditional loss.” How about a break-up or divorce? You may remember what it was like to feel like you were with a person for “Life.” This person was the answer to your prayers, your soulmate, or the closest friend you ever had. You shared everything with them. But life happens, people change, circumstances occur out of nowhere, and the next thing you know, they are gone. I have been told by clients that after a divorce or break-up, they have felt that the rejection they feel and the fact that the person may be now sharing life with another felt more grievous than when they lost a loved one to death. What about the loss of a dream? Maybe your company that you loved and gave your all to lays you off, shuts down, or decides to go another direction. The shock, the confusion, and the emptiness of feeling, “What do I do now?” Maybe you become disabled and can no longer do what you have loved all your life. Again, not typical grief, but it is grief. It can feel just as hopeless and like we will never recover. What about the loss of a pet? I have had people show up at my Grief Groups and feel embarrassed to say they are there because their dog or cat or other animal died and they are struggling. The feelings of loss and pain are real, and grieving your pet is normal and should not be hidden.
I have a 6-year-old mountain feist pup that has truly become a part of our family. Should I outlive her, I will hurt. I will be broken for some period of time. And I know that will be true grief.
Obviously, grief is a vast topic and cannot be covered in a page or two. But as we share a few thoughts on this National Day of Grief Awareness, please remember the following: Grief is real. It is different for each person experiencing it. There are no time frames on when we should feel better. Grief occurs as a result of many different types of loss. Supporting a grieving person is a marathon, not a sprint. Encourage the grieving person to talk about their loved one. Often, healing comes in groups. Don’t hesitate to find a grief support group. They are often organized by community groups, churches, funeral homes, hospice care centers, and hospitals. There are many myths about grieving, so please know that grief is unique and personal to each individual. It can’t be narrowed down to steps, timelines, or characteristics. You don’t have to appear sad all the time to grieve, and very importantly—when you start to feel some peace and joy again, that does not mean you are forgetting your loss.
As we recognize National Grief Awareness Day, may we remember that grief does not look the same for everyone or end when the rest of the world moves on. This day is an opportunity to be more patient, more understanding, and more willing to simply be present for those who are grieving. Sometimes the greatest support we can offer is to listen, to remember, and to remind someone that they do not have to carry their grief alone.
For those grieving, let today be a reminder to please don’t let your belief that no one can understand what you are going through keep you from reaching out when grieving. Find someone willing to listen so you can share what you are going through, and as they get to know about who or what you have lost, they can better know you. Please take care of yourself.
–Jeff England, LCSW, Analenisgi Outpatient